Tuesday, August 4, 2015

Is Divorce Ever the Answer?

I think most people would agree that 'yes' is the answer to that question. Some obvious reasons for getting a divorce are the spouse is physically and/or mentally abusive. Physically abusive is easy to identify and if someone is physically abusing you, you need to get out today. Do not pass 'Go.' Leave NOW. Do it now.

Mental abuse is harder to categorize. Most spouses have abused their other half to some degree during the tenure of their relationship. The question is how badly. It would be nice if everyone was civil and polite 100% of the time. But couples rarely are when they are in a relationship.

I think the thing that distinguishes the kind of mental abuse is in the intention behind the words. Are one and all just angry and in the heat of the moment say things they later regret? Or is there some hidden motive to make the person feel badly about themselves?

The latter intention is the one you want to run away from. People like that do not have your best interests in mind. To have the intention to crush another person's spirit is just plain evil and if you have someone in your life like that you need to rid yourself of them, whether they be a spouse, friend, or acquaintance. 

This kind of evil intention to damage a person's spirit is the tip off in getting a divorce. But this kind of intention is not entirely visible and because of this it can be hard to identify. So here are a couple of ways to identify this kind of destructive personality.

Here are four distinguishing characteristics:

1) When they talk to you, you will notice they are not specific. They will use generalities like "Anybody can tell ..." or "Everyone knows ..." especially when imparting a rumor, or some criticism about a friend or acquaintance or people in general. They do this for a reason. When you try to recall who said what about whom in your memory it will appear as if everyone said it, so you will be unable to ID the actual rumormonger.

2) People in this person's circle or vicinity tend to have accidents or are ill a lot. The people around these destructive personalities are not doing well in life and continue to fail.

3) Everything bad that they do to you is unimportant or silly to worry about and anything bad you did to them is earth shattering and terrible beyond belief. Also, anything you can do, they can do better and your contributions to a project or plan or endeavor aren't worth anything. Even when you do exactly as they asked, you did it wrong. 

4) They resist and rail against help in any form. Alcoholics, drug addicts, compulsive gamblers, compulsive infidelity can fall into this category. If they refuse to get help, then it is time to move on.

Stay away from these kinds of people and you will find that your life in general will improve and you will be much happier. If you are married to this kind of person, then by all means, get a divorce. But before you assume that your are married to this kind of person realize that they only comprise about 5% to 10% of the population, roughly one or two out of twenty. 

So don't pull the trigger unless you are sure. When people are having trouble in their relationships they will often look for ways to exit. Don't be that kind of person. Be responsible. If you use love and understanding and always try to help others, you really can't go wrong. Helping people really does go a long way.

People need help to live a better life. Humans err. It's what they do. But only destructive personalities rub a person's mistakes from the past in their face for the rest of their life. Destructive people abhor helping others and resist being helped themselves. They have no faults and are always right. And that is probably the best way to identify them. 

I hope this helps you. 

Wednesday, July 8, 2015

Wait Three Days

Has anyone reading this ever had a fight with their spouse that was so bad that you considered getting a divorce? One and all, is it? No? Okay, everyone but the couple over there in the corner still holding hands. Good for you two.

The rest of you, I'm going to try to help. The fact is, many times people decide to get a divorce too quickly. Then when they have made their decision and started acting on it the "insistence on being right" kicks in and they don't want to admit they have made a rash decision.

There is a key to marriage here.

Many people have made decisions that they later have regretted. In my many years of helping people with their relationships, I have been told by many who had gotten divorced and then remarried that if they knew then what they know now, they would never have gotten divorced in the first place.

They had seen the other grass and it was not greener, only a different kind of grass. A more responsible way of looking at it would have been to think: It's not them, it's me. But let's not go there for now.

The truth is, it is all of us. Humans have problems and they do things they regret. How can one avoid from making rash decisions? The answer actually is quite simple. Wait three days. That's right. Wait seventy-two hours.

It takes a human mind that has been upset at the most seventy-two hours to settle down and reset back to normal again. You may get over the upset quicker than seventy-two hours, but if you are not over it by then, you may need some professional help with your marriage or relationship.

One way to help yourself get over things more quickly would be to remove yourself from the person or people and the environment where the upset has occurred. Take a walk for about forty-five minutes or more. Look at things while walking and attempt to extrovert your attention.

Whatever you do stay out of your head and don't think about it. Thinking is a very confusing and upsetting thing when a mind is angry, or scared, or upset. Stay away from thinking entirely. Do something that takes your undivided attention. Exercise. Read a book. Anything that takes all of your attention off the upset will do.

The more you extrovert your attention the better you will feel. But definitely, after seventy-two hours, things should be back to normal. You might even forget the subject you had been arguing about. One thing is for sure: you will see if the subject was really that important or even worth arguing about at all.

Few things in life are worth ending a relationship and creating future misery for the couple and their kids if they have any. You may ask, is divorce ever the right course of action? I will answer that question in my next article.

Until then remember that a happy marriage means a happy life.

Wednesday, July 1, 2015

The Insistence on Being Right

Why do most people have an insistence on being right? If ever there was a basic human flaw, it is this one. Marriages break up because of it. Countries even go to war because of it. One thing is true beyond all other things: People will insist that their opinions and beliefs are the right ones. For them they are. But no opinion or belief is right for everyone.

There must be some sort of mechanism at work here. And there is.

The mechanism of a person always wanting to be right is deeply engrained in the human psyche. Whether you believe you are a spiritual being from God or an atheist with just a body and a thinking brain I don't care. Being right is deeply engrained.

Since we were cave men and women, right has been equated with survival. Back in a tooth and claw environment if one made wrong decisions one paid for it with their lives. So being right became very important.

This probably had something to do with the modern human's mechanism on the insistence of being right. They think subconsciously, "If I'm not right, I'll die."

Of course, in today's world one can make poor (not right) decisions all the time of varying degrees and one still survives. It takes a mighty poor decision to cut one's life short. Drugs, crime, etc. things of this nature can cut one's life short. But I'm sure addicts and criminals have their acts justified in their own minds so that even they are right.

Addicts and criminals aside, arguing with your spouse about the color of the living room curtains (or the best brand of vitamins, etc.) to buy is hardly going to kill you if you let your spouse decide for both of you.

There are so many times in a relationship where we have the opportunity of being the hero by letting the other person have it their way or letting them decide a virtually unimportant matter. Don't waste those opportunities.

What about important matters?

Important matters may take a little patience and reasoning, but in the long run you will find that most of those matters only seemed important at the time. Few, if any, were ever really life-threatening. So why not let them have it their way like Burger King?

If you do your relationship will be better for it and it will survive well.

One last thing about letting others be right. If you let your spouse have it their way, please do it graciously and without fanfare. If it turns out later that they made the wrong decision, please do not rub their nose in it. They will surely know that their decision was the wrong one and there will be no need to say anything. A relationship is not a contest, it's a partnership. You won't win anything by gloating that you were right. In fact, if you keep your mouth shut, in the future your spouse may not insist upon being right as much.

Try this experiment today. Let your spouse be right about everything. See if anything bad happens because of it. If nothing does, try it for a week and see if anything in your relationship changes. If it changes for the better (I'm betting it will) then maybe you ought to think about making it part of your everyday life.

Until next time, remember that a happy relationship creates a happy life.

Wednesday, June 17, 2015

The Biggest Problem in Marriage

Today I'm going to talk about the biggest problem in marriages. If you can get over this one, then pretty much marriage will be your oyster. Not only marriage. Life will be your oyster if you can get over this one. This is the biggie. This is the biggest factor in human relationships. Period.

Are you ready?

Today we are going to talk about VIEWPOINT. A viewpoint is a point from which to view. Let's be simple for a bit and then build towards the complex.

Let us first use the example of physical viewpoints. You are in a room and you could go to each corner of the room and at each corner you would have a different viewpoint. And depending upon what was in the room, some things that were visible from one viewpoint may not be visible from a different viewpoint. Lay on the floor of the room face down and you'll see what I mean. There could be many, many viewpoints just in this one room.

Police have dealt with the problem of physical viewpoints at a car accident—twelve witnesses, twelve different accidents.

But there are other kinds of viewpoints. Non-physical viewpoints. These are shaped in many ways. Opinions, data, upbringing, etc. can all shape a human being's viewpoint.

The non-physical viewpoints are the biggest problem in marriage and in human relationships. In fact, I would say in the world. But this blog is about marriage so we will stick to that. Here is the secret to a long and healthy marriage: ALL VIEWPOINTS ARE RIGHT and ALL VIEWPOINTS ARE WRONG.

Your ability (and it is an ability) to allow your spouse to have his/her own viewpoint without your evaluation or ridicule or any other judgment upon it is the most important factor in creating a successful marriage. 

What is an argument except two viewpoints colliding, both people insisting that their viewpoint is the correct one? And here's the key: Rarely is either one of them completely right and the other completely wrong. It is just their viewpoint. 

ADVICE: Why not let them have their viewpoint?

Have you ever had this thought while arguing with your spouse: Why are we arguing about something so stupid? We all have.

Practice with me now. In fact, repeat after me: "You know, honey, you are completely right." To pull this off takes more fortitude (strength of character) than the average humanoid has. The reason is most humanoids have a character flaw.

BASIC HUMAN FLAW: The insistence upon being right.

Why is it so hard to let your spouse be right? The answer to that is that most people think that by letting the other person be right means that they are making themselves wrong. Nothing is further from the truth. All viewpoints are right from the person viewing them. So in actuality, you are both right. All I'm saying is, just don't insist upon it and you will have a much happier marriage.

You might ask, why is letting a spouse (or any person) have their viewpoint so important? The reason is that their viewpoint actually communicates who they are. In other words, their viewpoint is their state of being or existence. If you try to destroy or find fault with their viewpoint, it makes them feel subconsciously like you are trying to destroy their state of being or existence.

And so they react.

If you really want people to change, you will never get them to change by making them wrong. People who are wrong assert the basic human flaw which is to insist that they are right. Until you allow them to be right, they will never even try to examine or take a look at your viewpoint.

So allow spouses to have their own viewpoint and you will have a happier marriage. And remember a happy marriage means a happy life.

Friday, May 29, 2015

Agreement in Marriage

Marriage is really tough for some people. For a very few it seems not to be tough at all. Although sometimes you meet a couple and for years it will look like they have a great relationship and then one day BOOM they get divorced.

You don't always know what you think you know.

All marriages run into problems. The good marriages figure out an agreeable way to solve those problems. The keyword there is 'agreeable.' Agreement is one of the most important aspects of a marriage.

Sometimes you find a couple and they never agree on anything and they argue and fight about everything. They're not married yet but they plan to get married. This is a marriage that 99 times out of 100 will eventually fail. When you see a couple like that (and talk to the one who is the same gender as you are) you will find that their sex life is fantastic. And a great sex life does not a marriage make.

So when you meet an unmarried couple who argue all the time do them a favor and send them to read this blog post. That way they won't get upset at you for telling them not to get married. I'll tell them: IT DOESN'T GET BETTER. DON'T BE STUPID. DON'T GET MARRIED TO THAT PERSON.

When they still refuse to take the above advice and get married anyway you will have the satisfaction 5, 10, or even 20 years hence when they say to you, "Remember that blog post you had me read about Agreement in Marriage? I should have listened to that advice."

Let's not forget marriage itself is an agreement. An agreement to love, honor, and cherish to name a few that show up in most vows. But have you ever looked up and examined the word 'vow' before? Let's do so now.

Merriam-Webster defines vow as a solemn promise or assertion; specifically: one by which a person is bound to an act, service, or condition.

So a vow is not to be taken lightly. Think about that a moment. Drink that in. How many couples really understand that BEFORE they exchange their vows? My guess is not many. Let's continue by looking at the derivation of the word 'vow.'

DERIVATION: Middle English vowe, from Anglo-French vou, from Latin votum, from votus, past participle of vovere meaning to vow. Related to Greek euchesthai meaning to pray or vow, from Sanskrit vaghat meaning sacrificer.

Wow. The word vow is a pretty solemn and serious word. When you vow to do something you are really saying come hell or high water I'm sticking with this thing. How many couples treat marriage with that kind of importance? The divorce rates are your answer.

The two things to take away from the above article are these two points: 1) Find a person who you agree with most of the time. 2) When you make a vow, keep it. No matter what. It will be easier if you do #1 first. But if you don't future articles will address this and help you to do #2.

You may ask, what do you do in an abusive relationship? This will be discussed in future articles. All will be discussed. Subscribe to the blog and keep coming back. You just might learn something helpful.

Until then remember a happy marriage means a happy life.

Monday, May 11, 2015

The Secrets to a Good Marriage

Are there secrets to a good marriage? And if so, what are they? The answer to the first question is 'Yes.' The answer to the second question is a little more involved and before I begin to get into it let me introduce myself.

I am the Marriage Authority in charge of SaveYourMarriage.com.

You may ask yourself, what makes this person an authority? Well, to begin with I have been married for over 36 years and I know that I will be married to my spouse until I die or until my spouse dies.

How do I know that?

The answer to that question is the first secret to staying married. So, I will reveal Secret #1.


Decide to stay married for life. Not very earth shattering is it? Oh, but it is.

What precedes every action you take in life? The answer quite simply are decisions. First there is the decision, then comes the action. Example: You decide to call your spouse. Then you go through the action of calling your spouse.

You don't call your spouse first, then decide to do it.

All actions are preceded by a decision. To end a marriage you or your spouse must decide to end it. If you never decide to end it how could it end? You may say it will end because my spouse wants it to end. But if your spouse has decided to end it, then you need help to get them to change their mind.

How to get your spouse to change their mind is another one of the secrets to staying married.

A book about the all the secrets to having a good marriage and staying married is soon to be published. Keep coming back to this website for future blog posts with advice and to find out the publication date of the new book on having a successful marriage.

Until then take a look at some of the current best sellers on marriage and relationships over to the right of this blog and remember a happy marriage means a happy life.