Wednesday, June 17, 2015

The Biggest Problem in Marriage

Today I'm going to talk about the biggest problem in marriages. If you can get over this one, then pretty much marriage will be your oyster. Not only marriage. Life will be your oyster if you can get over this one. This is the biggie. This is the biggest factor in human relationships. Period.

Are you ready?

Today we are going to talk about VIEWPOINT. A viewpoint is a point from which to view. Let's be simple for a bit and then build towards the complex.

Let us first use the example of physical viewpoints. You are in a room and you could go to each corner of the room and at each corner you would have a different viewpoint. And depending upon what was in the room, some things that were visible from one viewpoint may not be visible from a different viewpoint. Lay on the floor of the room face down and you'll see what I mean. There could be many, many viewpoints just in this one room.

Police have dealt with the problem of physical viewpoints at a car accident—twelve witnesses, twelve different accidents.

But there are other kinds of viewpoints. Non-physical viewpoints. These are shaped in many ways. Opinions, data, upbringing, etc. can all shape a human being's viewpoint.

The non-physical viewpoints are the biggest problem in marriage and in human relationships. In fact, I would say in the world. But this blog is about marriage so we will stick to that. Here is the secret to a long and healthy marriage: ALL VIEWPOINTS ARE RIGHT and ALL VIEWPOINTS ARE WRONG.

Your ability (and it is an ability) to allow your spouse to have his/her own viewpoint without your evaluation or ridicule or any other judgment upon it is the most important factor in creating a successful marriage. 

What is an argument except two viewpoints colliding, both people insisting that their viewpoint is the correct one? And here's the key: Rarely is either one of them completely right and the other completely wrong. It is just their viewpoint. 

ADVICE: Why not let them have their viewpoint?

Have you ever had this thought while arguing with your spouse: Why are we arguing about something so stupid? We all have.

Practice with me now. In fact, repeat after me: "You know, honey, you are completely right." To pull this off takes more fortitude (strength of character) than the average humanoid has. The reason is most humanoids have a character flaw.

BASIC HUMAN FLAW: The insistence upon being right.

Why is it so hard to let your spouse be right? The answer to that is that most people think that by letting the other person be right means that they are making themselves wrong. Nothing is further from the truth. All viewpoints are right from the person viewing them. So in actuality, you are both right. All I'm saying is, just don't insist upon it and you will have a much happier marriage.

You might ask, why is letting a spouse (or any person) have their viewpoint so important? The reason is that their viewpoint actually communicates who they are. In other words, their viewpoint is their state of being or existence. If you try to destroy or find fault with their viewpoint, it makes them feel subconsciously like you are trying to destroy their state of being or existence.

And so they react.

If you really want people to change, you will never get them to change by making them wrong. People who are wrong assert the basic human flaw which is to insist that they are right. Until you allow them to be right, they will never even try to examine or take a look at your viewpoint.

So allow spouses to have their own viewpoint and you will have a happier marriage. And remember a happy marriage means a happy life.


  1. Wow, great piece T. Mason Gilbert!
    There is no way of measuring the value one puts on being “Right”. I can tell you after being married 33 years and a whole lot of learning along the way, my beautiful wife, from my prospective, she puts far more value on being right than I do. As you stated Mr. Gilbert, “If you try to destroy or find fault with their viewpoint, it makes them feel subconsciously like you are trying to destroy their state of being or existence”. She had a very tuff up bring of which did some damage, her self-esteem, the value she puts on herself.

    It took a number of years to learn that in order for me to help her I needed to do a far better job of listening, asking constructive question. Short moments of silence is good, to give her time to think and form her thoughts. I tell her often that I want to hear what she is thinking, what her view points are. We have learned each can have a different viewpoint and that’s OK!

  2. Thanks for the comment, Green Ladder. Your actions are very workable actions. You are to be congratulated. I'm glad you enjoyed the article. Share with as many people as you may think need to read this.